Every morning I grab a Metro paper on my way onto the PATH train. Nothing satisfies like McNews on a crowded train! The front page has the following headline: “City not sold on ‘Subivor'”. What is ‘Subivor’? Is it a failed reality show? Could it be a 15 minute of fame faux celebrity with a ridiculous story? No, no, it’s an emergency kit that for just $27.99 is going to save your life! You can read about it here.

Pretty genius, huh? And a gosh darn cheery web page to boot! The blossoming entrepreneur, David Ruggiero, is ironically more optimistic about his ability to sell these kits to New Yorkers than he is about the subway system. Let’s see what’s in it:

5 inch Flashlight – Ok, that’s handy.

Anti-fog mask – Definitely don’t need a disaster to want one of these!

Moist towelette – I didn’t know disasters came with honey bbq spareribs.

Metal whistle – Seriously?!

7-inch Pry Bar – Perfect for prying flesh off the bones of fellow commuters after no one hears your whistle and you turn to cannibalism.

Way to profit off of our fear culture, David. Oh, wait… you didn’t. Thankfully people are smarter than to shell out almost $30 for a carry case full of objects they may never use. A 7-inch pry bar in the event of a subway emergency is about as useful as the duck and cover advice for surviving annihilation. I guess people won’t buy anything. Who knew?